


Too Much Heart

by Botchycas



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cockles, Crying Misha, Depressed! Misha, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt Misha, M/M, Mishalecki - Freeform, Multi, Sad Misha, Suicidal Thoughts, bestfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8521345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Botchycas/pseuds/Botchycas
Summary: Misha couldn't bring himself to smile anymore. It shattered him completely, knowing the fact that somebody had death wishes for him. It made him feel lower than he already was, and after a while, he was the one with the biggest death wish of them all.Because when people start being mean to you, you start being mean to yourself.





	

Misha was exhausted. He didn't enjoy his life as much as he once did.

He did want to sleep in forever, but the thought of the consequences of his death made him angry at himself. He knew people loved him, he knew he was important. But he didn’t feel loved, he didn’t feel important. 

And after the outrage hate and disrespect he had been giving, he for once believed the words they told him. There had always been positivity around the supernatural fandom. Fans would give him gifts, tell him how he saved them and he was so deeply happy. He had helped people, his intention was always to help people.  
But then there was this hate that someone carried. He must’ve done something wrong to be so deeply hated. He knew he was flawed, he knew every little bit. Whenever he was low and feeling blue, he would search up his name and read the disgusting words that were lies and thrown at him.

It shattered him completely, knowing the fact that somebody had death wishes for him. It made him feel lower than he already was, and after a while, he was the one with the biggest death wish of them all.

Because when people start being mean to you, you start being mean to yourself. It’s the act of humanity.

 

But he had these beautiful kids that gave life to him, and a wife that was everything to him even though they fought, and not to forget about his friends. Well, no one truly knew him. He had a matter of fact felt this for a long time. Since he was young, he never felt important. He had one big scar on his left arm which he was good at hiding, because he had this excellent excuse. He was everything he wanted, he just had an unfinished puzzle of his self-esteem.

He felt alone at nights, when he was laying in bed with a wife next to him. He felt empty. It was as if his soul was gone, vanished into the darkest place of his mind. He didn’t feel compassion and love for the things he once dedicated his life to. His life felt left alone, like it was nothing, just a piece of thin air. He couldn’t describe the empty void in his stomach; he couldn’t tell what was wrong with him. He just wanted more of himself. He wanted to give more than he did and to love those who were struggling. He knew he couldn’t save everyone, he just so deeply wished he could.

He began having more problems. He would start with having a few sips of whiskey to relax, but it began to turn into something more, something worse. Misha couldn’t stop himself, he had to drink away the problems, he had to forget. He didn’t want to remember, he didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

He didn’t sleep much. He spent hours thinking about everything and nothing. It got worse, to a point where he almost killed his kids and himself.  
They were driving home, both of them in the back seat, and he was just so tired. He didn’t function; he hadn’t slept well for weeks. His eyes drifted away as his body left the state of his mind, next thing he knew, Jensen and Jared were standing by him at the hospital bed in silence. 

His kids were alright though, they got small burns on their shoulder and around their stomach because of the belt, but they were okay, just worried about their father. That made him so disappointed, knowing the children were worried about him, the one who almost killed them. He had to carry this on his conscience. He felt worse, knowing how the most important kids in his life could have died because of him.

Misha just got a heavy concussion and hard, judgmental looks months after. The guilt he was carrying was heavy upon his shoulders. It became worse as he searched for his name on sites, only to be surrounded with rage for the accident. He didn’t mean to, he really didn’t.

His wife was extremely disappointed at him a few times and it ended up with Misha crashing on the couch. His life was so far from perfect. Jared had so much, he had a wife that always looked at him with love in her eyes and she looked at him the same way, and Jensen and Danneel was the ultimate couple. Misha didn’t feel as much love as he wanted to feel from Vicki, he loved her and she loved him, he knew that, but Misha was troubled. 

He began thinking about death. The word was always scary for him, but for the first time, the word sounded like comfort.  
He was tired, no more to say.

He’s hurt, mentally and emotionally, but every day, he walks with a smile, because that’s just who he is; the man who never stopped smiling. It was starting to make him even worse.

*****

Work was harder now. He didn’t sleep much nor eat. He either forgot or just denied it. His thoughts were swallowing him, pulling and pushing at the threads of his heart, and then, he just couldn’t breathe. 

His breath became rapid, and he had these moments where he was sitting in his trailer alone, unable to breathe properly. Each time that happened, he really thought he was going to die. He wanted to die. Perhaps it was because of his weight that was messing with his head. Heavy eyes and skin hanging loose. He wanted nothing more but to be gone. He didn’t want to kill himself, he just wanted to die in a more innocent way.

*****

He puked today. His mind was occupied on how much hatred he carried in himself, that he literally had to throw up. Jensen and Jared had started to get worried, but it didn’t get further than looks filled with empathy. They wanted to hang out more, but Misha was angry while dealing with his thoughts, so he politely told them no.

Misha wasn’t doing well with his acting on supernatural. Vicki talked to him a few days ago. The conversation broke his heart as it was about getting a divorce. Misha didn’t believe what she was saying, he couldn’t. Vicki was crying, telling him how tired and scared she was.

He was a bit lost, his mind occupied on everything else except work. Misha began getting angry as the director was yelling at him at the set for not paying attention. It wasn’t much Misha could do, except take in all the words that made him feel smaller and smaller for each sentence.

How could it be his fault that his interest in life was failing?

What was even worse was when it was lunch time, and everyone was commenting on his look. Some jokingly told him to eat some meat, because he did lose a lot of weight lately, but it was none of their business. Everyone was asking about Vicki, because they didn’t know about the divorce, and it really hurt his feelings. Some even joked about the car accident and that made him more furious than sad. They saw it on him. His health was getting worse, the bags under his eyes had made him feel like a monster and he had left his smile out of sight. He just wanted a drink.

And to top it all off, Jensen and Jensen decided it would be a good idea to do a prank on him. They should’ve known better, just by taking a look at him, they would’ve figured that Misha Collins was doing far from alright. 

So when the day was soon finished, and everyone was leaving, Misha got thrown a cake right into his face. It was not funny, but everyone was laughing, having a good time, except him. He was angry and carried a death wish deep within his bones. He was so pissed, he couldn’t stand on both feet, but he was more hurt than angry. So hurt that he felt his heart beat with physically pain. He felt so hurt because he was just so pathetic for thinking that anyone would notice how he was not fine. 

*****

There was cake everywhere. On his shirt and face, and it was so not okay. Misha stormed towards his trailer, which made the people behind him laugh even more. It took him way back to his past, where he got beaten up and verbally tortured at school.

In the trailer, he found a shirt to wipe the cake off, and as soon as everything was gone, his breath became rapid. He was calm for a second, but then with aggression, he started kicking around on mirrors and everything breakable. He was mad, so mad he couldn’t stand. So he fell to the ground, but didn’t stop there. He began violently hitting his head in the wall; his groans became faded as he felt the pain grew. Pain was good, pain was power, he thought.

Blood came out of his nose as a nasty wound formed in his scalp. It didn’t stop him, he used all the powers he had left, and he just wanted to sleep or to black out. Just to vanish. He didn’t feel anything but pain, and it was good, scary good.

The shattering pain was still there, even though two arms had draped around and below his armpit. He was dragged away, angry for not having the pleasure with getting his way of suffering.

“No,” he said with a voice so weak that he almost couldn’t form a word. He was crying at a point, and he didn’t even realize. It had been a long time since he had been crying and it was a release he didn’t like. He hadn’t even opened up his eyes, he was too afraid to see what kind of person that had seen him do this.

He screwed up. God, he was Misha Collins, he didn’t do this! He couldn’t be sad, he had to stay happy and he had to smile! He used the force of his knuckles and gave himself a beating.

“Misha! Stop!” His hands were linked together by a few strong ones. He opened his eyes, so tired and out of life. Jensen was there, body trembling and with eyes overflowing with teardrops. Above him was Jared standing with an expression so afraid that Misha couldn’t even put his words to it.

Jensen put both of his soft hands on both of Misha’s chins, holding his face up to look him in the eyes.

“What’s going on?”

Jensen’s gravy voice was enough to make Misha sob into his shoulder. The beating pain was hurting, but it felt good. “I just want to be loved,” he kept repeating silently, mostly to himself than to his friends. Jensen’s arms were slung around him, and soon Jared was on his knees too, hugging both of them. 

It was a comfort in this, a comfort Misha hadn’t felt before. A comfort of friendship and love. Three of them were crying all of them out of place.

*****

“This should help,” Jared gave him a glass of water and a pill that was supposed to help with his pain. He hesitated taking it, feeling like he didn’t deserve the help he was offered. Jensen was at the other end of the table, sitting in the couch and rubbing his fingers at his temple. Jared sat next to him. Everything was so silenced. Jared gave him a look to make him take the pill. It wasn’t a rude stare, it was so friendly it reminded him of Sam. Misha swallowed the pill, followed with water. 

“Misha, we love you, man.” Jensen said, an expression in his eyes that made it clear how much he meant it.

Misha scoffed, he knew the words were true, he just didn’t feel it. To be honest, he didn’t know anything anymore. 

“We see you, you know. You haven’t been eating much either, we can tell.” Jared was a whole another level of concerned, because a part of him knew how this felt. Jensen was out of place, wondering what would be the best of him.

“We need you to let us in, man.” Jensen said, eyes sunk within his restless soul as he wanted more of Misha.

“I told you guys, I’m fine.” Misha was trying to cover it up with a small chuckle and a wide smile, but his head was absolutely killing him. If only it did. 

“Dude, you tried to smash your head into a wall, don’t lie to us.” Jared still hadn’t spoken.

Misha gave in a sight, worried that he had fucked up everything. A part of him was starting to get pissed and tired.  
“I’m fine.” He lied. 

He lied so much his whole body was trembling with fear of them believing him. He didn’t want to admit it, he didn’t want to say it, and he felt too damn weak to even think about it.  
He knew that if they believed his lie and told him to go home, he would be crashing his car into a damn mountain.

“You’re not, stop saying that!” Jensen said with a voice that sounded vulnerable. Perhaps he was afraid to hurt his feelings.

“What do you want me to say, huh? You want me to spill everything and sob in a corner? For Christ sake, no one cares! Why should you all of the sudden do?”  
It went silent.

Misha felt uncomfortable for the first time in years. No one had seen him this vulnerable and he did not like feeling weak. It was as if he was playing a scene with vulnerable Castiel, but this time, it wasn’t acting. It was real.

No one said anything. Misha stood up, about to walk out of his trailer when he heard Jared.

“You have been giving some much energy to focus on helping others, when you should’ve thought about helping yourself more. There’s no shame in dealing with these things, Misha. I’m sorry you feel the way you do, but believe me when I say this, if there is one person that deserves kindness and compassion, it’s you. It’s always been you. You’re feeling weak, but you’re not. You’re not weak just because your heart feels heavy. To be honest, I don’t know what you’re struggling with, but if Jensen and I get the chance to find out, we will be there for you in a second. We love you for a reason, you’re the one person we look forward to meet at work every single day. I’m sorry, Misha. I’m so, so sorry for never asking. I’m so sorry for not helping until now.”

Misha had turned around. It hurt him seeing Jared crying. His tears were falling and it had never been so much energy between the three. “I’m begging you, Misha. Talk to us.”

Misha came to a realization. He felt something good, something he had been missing his whole life. He felt important and loved. He felt it.

He looked at Jensen and Jared. They would not lie to him, not with those expressions on their faces. They were kind, one of the kindest men Misha had ever met.  
He sat down at the couch, unable to look them in the eyes. He really needed a drink. 

“I’m not okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I love you!
> 
> Worldwide Suicide Hotlines  
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> 
> take care of yourself.


End file.
